Harry's Bundle of Rags
by jeweltheif500
Summary: Yup, I'm joining the bandwagon! A whole lotta Random Fics. Stuff I just think of but I'm too lazy to write a whole story about. Homework  From Hogwarts Online , too! Not Beta'd! Chapter Six: JK's Story! Disclaimert: I own nobody and nothing!
1. Prolouge

**HERMIONE GRANGER: GIRL WHO LIVED**

I giggled. My kitty toy was so funny, he could talk and everything! I swung Crooky around so he could see the kitchen, Mommy, and Daddy in the next room. His long legs went everywhere!

The kitchen TV flickered. I looked up. Mama had changed the channel to a big, bright, yellow box with letters and numbers in it. I couldn't read yet, but I planned to start soon.

"Look, Hermione, it's almost 1982!" She pointed to the screen. "Only another minute!"

"Yay! Wait, what did you say, Crooky? ... Mama, can I have a bowl of milk?"

"Whatever for, honey?"

"Crooky wants some."

Mama chuckled. I wondered why, it was a completely good reason. Mama got my milk anyways.

I put Crooky's face into the bowl so he could drink. He came out sopping wet! Crooky is such a messy eater. I laughed. Just then, a bell came from the TV. Fireworks danced all over the screen. Cool! Mama blew a horn and everyone, including Daddy, cheered. He must've been watching, too!

I heard a knock and looked up. Daddy stood at the door, his back to me. Crooky slowly slipped from my hand. A man stood there. You could see a bit of stick in his hand. I wondered what that was for.

"Hello," said the man. He had pale, greenish skin and red eyes. What a funny mask!

"Hello, can I help you?" Daddy asked.

"Of course, but I don't think you'll like it. You see, I would like to torture and kill you. Unfortunately, I will have to restrain you to accomplish that. I fear you'll struggle. _Incarcerous._" The man waved his stick, and ropes appeared. They tied around Daddy, and he screamed. So did Mama. I wondered what was wrong. But then I understood: it was a funny show, just for me! I giggled, but Mama shushed me. The man spoke again. "Wonderful, now you're tied up, I can torture you. _Crucio._" Mama tried to run towards the man, but fell over as if she'd bumped into a wall. Mama got up and tried again, but the same thing happened. So she raced back to me and stood there protectively, crying in 'despration,' "Help! Someone!" This was so fun, even Mama was playing!

The man spoke again. "Oh, did that hurt, sir? I'm sorry- actually, I'm not. But this will make it go away. _Avada Kedavra_!" Daddy fell over, playing dead. Mama screamed and picked me up.

Mama ran upstairs with me. She picked up the phone and pressed some buttons. The man came up behind her and tapped her shoulder. "Hello. I need to kill that kid in your arms. Hand her over, or _you_ will die, too." Mama whipped around and screamed. Again. I wondered wether the neighbors could hear, before remembering that we'd moved to the country not long ago. She dropped me in my crib and turned to face the man.

"Never! You will _never_ kill my baby!" Mama tried to punch the man, but hit something a little bit away. She winced, but didn't scream again. You could tell Mama was doing a good job, because she was even pretending to shake in fear!

"Yes, I will. But you can choose to step aside, and let me kill her. Your life will be spared. Better one than none, hm?"

"No. She will not die, especially while I run away!"

"Sorry to interrupt your fantasy, but she will. Now, though, I am not as merciful._ Avada Kedavra_!" Mama slumped down. I wondered why no one was jumping up and laughing. But my thoughts turned when the man faced me. He smiled, and pointed his stick at me and whispered something. A green light shot out of it and hit me in the cheek. It hurt! But I didn't miss the light bounding off me and hitting the man.

_**Well, I had this idea in a dream... and I haven't seen any other stories like it... so, here goes! So, please review... please... By the way, I think (canon) Hermione's perfect song would be **__**Lucky,**__** by Jason Mraz. :D And finally, thanks a bunch to Chris, my beta!**_


	2. Nonfiction!

_**Nonfiction?**_

One day, Harry Potter was walking down a random hallway in Hogwarts. It was Friday the Thirteenth, and he was worried VoldyPantstm would attack him, taking advantage of the, ah, "Holiday."

Suddenly a note appeared in front of his face, and it obscured his view. Harry walked into a wall.

"Aw, shit." Harry exclaimed. He grabbed the note off his face and started to read.

_Dear Harry,_

_If you get this letter, that means I'm dead. And why would that bother you, as you don't even know who I am? It should, because after you finish reading this note, your story will come to a stop. You will freeze forever. Yes, you read right, your story. _

_I am your author. If I die, then your story can't continue. You are in your third year, I assume? Hm. Well, Sirius Black is really innocent, but that's all I can't tell you any more. Now, how do you save your story? I'll tell you, and then talk about your parents. When I finish telling you what to do, stop reading. Now... Go!_

_Go to Flourish and Blotts, you can find a bright blue door no one else will find. A series of books will be in there, no covers. Read them. That's what you gotta do. And, never read about your parents. Yup, tempting, but the Books will tell you. Now, go to Flourish and Blotts!_

_Your Mother's name was Lily Evans. Your Dad's name was James Potter. She hated him until her seventh year when she realized she liked him. They married young and had you._

_Joanne Rowling 3  
_

Harry stared. It was so tempting to read about his parents, but oh well. To sum up the story, he rushed to Flourish and Blotts (under the Invisibility Cloak, of course), and the Blue Door was there. He opened it and saw the Books. Harry closed the Door and read the Books. It took a long time as he usually depended on Hermione to read books for him.

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, everything was in chaos. They were looking for Harry all over! When he came back in a few days and threw the note into the Room of Requirement Hiding Spot, Harry lost Gryffindor 250 points and the rest of the year's worth of detentions with Snape. But it was worth it reading the Books, because Harry knew what to do the same and what to do differently. So, all in all, everything turned out okay!

Ina faroff courntry called USA, a young girl cried. "Now the Harry Potter books are nonfiction! I don't wanna read them anymore!"

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**


	3. We Will Kill You

**We Will Kill You (takes place during DH)**

**by Jeweltheif500**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Hermione and Ron would definitely not be a couple. So, I own a great big nothing. Not even Queen or "We Will Rock You." Waahhhhaaaa!**

Headmaster Snape stood up. "Now, before our daily worship session will start, I would like to make announcement: you all are now required to-"

Ginny stood up, along with the rest of the old DA. "NOW!" she yelled. And they all started singing,

"_Tommy you're a boy make a big bang,_

_Destroying all the streets gonna make a big mess someday._

_You got blood on your face,_

_You big disgrace_

_Kickin' your can all over the place._

_Singin!"_

Some students started stomping and clapping while the Carrows tried to stop them. Somehow, they were suddenly suspended by their ankles, their arms forced apart and wands far away. Among them was Snape. The other teachers seemed to try to fix it, but not _really_ trying. No one noticed Ginny quietly stashing away her wand.

"_We will we will KILL YOU,_

_We will we will KILL YOU!_

_Tommy you're an old man hard man,_

_Destroyin' all the streets gonna take on the world some day._

_You got blood on your face, _

_You big disgrace_

_Wavin' green banners all over the place._

_We will we will KILL YOU,_

_Singin'_

_We will we will KILL YOU._

_Tommy you're an old man bad man,_

_Killin' with your eyes gonna make you your coffin someday._

_You got blood on your face,_

_You big disgrace._

_Harry better put you back in your place._

_We will we will KILL YOU, _

_Singin'_

_We will we will KILL YOU,_

_Singin'_

_We will we will KILL YOU_

_We will we will KILL YOU_

_We will we will KILL YOU!"_

The students finished, then finally dashed out of the Great Hall. Five minutes later, Snape and the Carrows fell back to the ground with the 'efforts' of Flitwick.


	4. The Reasoning of Ravenclaws

**The Reasoning of Ravenclaws**

_**This is my first-ever fic in second person! So, if it's horribly written, don't kill me. I've only read one other second-person fanfic, it's called "Darkly Dreaming Harry." Very good, I recomend it. Done as my Homework for Hogwarts Online. Go Ravenclaws!**_

_**Disclaimer: I own the books... the real-life ones of course. I just don't own the Copyright.**_

You stare at the boys as you pass them in the hallways. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, only in second year (not that you've gotten that far anyway), and famous already. It was very stupid, though, to drive a flying car to school. They need some Ravenclaw Reasoning, you think.

You wonder if the Wrackspurts have gotten to them. The Wrackspurts are tiny, fuzzy creatures that invade your mind and take away all reason. You try to tell people about them, but they stare at you like _you're_ the one who has Wrackspurts. You think about your Wrackspurts back home, in their pen. You miss them.

You are led back to your dormitory, still wondering if the Wrackspurts have invaded Harry and Ron, and why they aren't trying to get them out, let alone noticing them.

You remember when Ginny rushed over to your house the day Ron got home, telling you all his tales of adventure, when Harry killed Quirrel and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's soul. You wish you could have had Quirrel as a teacher, he seemed like an interesting chap.

Your last thoughts of the day are, _Do they have a flying car driver's liscence?_

_** So? How was it? Review (if I end up posting this) please!**_


	5. Be Careful What You Wish For

**Be Careful What You Wish For! **

**By jeweltheif500, or Bandit**

I lay in bed, looking out the window. Today was the worst day of my life. I had made a pretty big mistake... well, it wasn't a mistake. A girl in my class (who I'd once thought of as a friend) had actually laughed when a cat got hit by a car. As it pulled itself slowly away, I punched the girl. In the nose. Unfortunately, the meanest adult in the school, Ann Green, was nearby. I was expelled immediately.

Outside, in the darkening sky, a star popped up. Hm. First one. Well, I've always wished for reincarnation. Why not give it a go.

"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight," I whispered, repeating the first verse of a well-known wishing rhyme."Wish I may, wish I might, please grant my wish tonight." I made a silent wish, then fell into the depths of sleep.

*1981*

"Never!" A lady's voice screamed. She had a British accent, so it sounded like "Nevah!" An older dude interrupted.

"Avada Kedavra!" I looked down at my body to see I was in a diaper. I looking up, the face of- could it be- _Voldemort_ was there.

_Oh, shit_ I thought. Voldy raised his wand, and without hesitation, repeated his last words. _Well, off to the Dursleys, then. Looks like I'm in for some fun._

_** Disclaimer: I don't own HP. Deal with it.**_

_** A/N: I may as well make this into a real story, but I'm deathly afraid of Mary Sues. So lets just put it into the Bundle for now.**_


	6. JK's Story

**The Story of J.K. Rowling**

**by Jeweltheif500 (But I prefer to be called Bandit or at least Theif.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own JK or HP, but I do own TP (this plot, not toilet paper)!**

**A/N: Hey, it's me again! This idea just popped into my head during Language Arts when we were talking about authors. The theory is this: if JK knew all this about Harry's World, then she obviously must be a Squib. Let the Un-Beta'd goodness begin!**

The letter came by owl. A letter from the Ministry, confirming I was a Squib. The letter arrived when I was just eight years old. My mother spanked and yelled at me for a few hours and sent me over to Auntie's so she could think. She never returned.

Eventually Auntie realised Mommy had dumped me, so _she_ sent me to a Muggle orphanage- in Scotland. There, there were tales of a mysterious castle ruin where odd sounds allegedly came from. I ignored it for a while- until the year I was twenty-eight.

BOOM! I whirled around from my hiding place. BOOM! BOOM! Being a curious girl, I slowly walked towards the area where the sound was coming from. I saw some odd lights flashing from the old ruin, lots of green and red. It wasn't anywhere near Christmas, anyway! Plus that ruin was supposed to be abandoned.

I snuck closer, watching as people in funny clothes streamed out, shooting all colors at each other out of sticks. Of course! This was a battle! Between magical people! Cool. So, I climbed up a tree and watched. I'd always had keen-ish senses, and I noticed that what grass was left was being flattened in places, like someone was walking, invisible.

Following the footprints, I walked deeper into the forest, my cel phone in hand. It had just gotten this cool thing added that had a camera! The camera kinda sucked though. So, when the person came out of disguise in a big clearing, I snapped a picture, of course, and decided to follow him if I could.

So, when I finally had the chance, I got his life story and that's how my life really began!

**So, that's it! Please feed the muse (her favorite food is reviews, dipped in chocolate)! So REVIEW, and don't forget the chocolate!**

**Yours till the Swedish Fish,**

**Bandita!**

**Oh, PS, go to my new and Shiny forum, MarySue Factory! Now, I know how to correctly spell Mary-Sue, but I kinda felt like mixin' it up.**


	7. Stuck in the Land of Muggles

**Stuck in the Land of Muggles**

**By: Jeweltheif500 (Bandit)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP, but I hired someone special to tell you!**

**Severus Snape: As this dunderhead had to hire me and drag me from the Underworld, she obviously doesn't own anything but a laptop, *looks down at script* a brain, and... a broken alarm clock?**

**A/N Done for potato4's "Closet Challenge." This is a one-shot. **

Draco Malfoy gingerly stepped into the elevator. It sure was a pain in the arse to have to visit the Muggle Minister each year. The crazy contraptions always confuddled him...

At the next floor, a bushy-haired woman stepped in. Draco ignored her, until she turned. Of _course_. Mudblood Granger just _had_ to be here.

"Malfoy."

"Granger."

Suddenly the elevator halted, but the doors didn't open.

"Shit. What was that?"

"Malfoy, the elevator broke. I don't have a cel phone. We're stuck. It's obvious."

"Sure, what if someone needs to get on here?"

"The doors are closed, stupid." Of course Granger needed to remind him of that and crush his hopes of not getting cooties.

"Damn." Draco cursed.

"You said it."

"Did you just agree with me?" Granger hesitated.

"Just because you were voicing my thoughts."

"Oh, of _course._" Draco pulled out the classic Slytherin Sarcasm that he had taken many a class on, the turned and preened himself in the mirrors that the elevatory was lined in.

"You know there are security cameras here, right?"

"I-I- Of course I do!"

"Oh, of _course._" Granger copied his earlier words and banged on the elevator call button. It didn't budge. "Freaking kids, putting their bubblegum on the buttons..."

"So, Granger, how'd you get to be in the same building as a Minister? I had no idea you'd be allowed in. Partly why I come here." That last sentence was a lie. He came here because he had to.

"I don't know, maybe because I'm his _advisor_?"

Draco just turned and went on combing his hair. He had to look good for the- what was it called? Oh. Camera.

"So, what happened to Weasel? He finally get smart enough to leave?" Draco thought, just for a split second, that he hope that was true. Then he mentally slapped himself.

"No, I actually kicked him out. Did you know, Ron cheated on me. Ten plus times. And I didn't even notice! All those belongings, he said they were gifts..."

"That's what my father did with my mother." Draco was confused, how did he have something in common with _Granger_? Was it even counted as something in common?

"Are they divorced?"

"Not sure. I lost touch."

"Oh." A few awkward minutes passed.

BANG! The elevator started moving again.

"Yay!" Granger cheered. "Oh, Malfoy, call me Hermione. Maybe we can get over this rudeness."

"Only if you call me Draco." He didn't believe Granger would agree, but then a belief is nothing compared to fact.

"_Fine._" The doors opened.

"Well, goodbye, _Hermione,_" Draco said.

"Goodbye." Gr- _Hermione _ swiftly walked away.

"Oh, Hermione, wait!"

"What?" the doors started to close.

"Would you like to have dinner sometime?" Draco barely caught her answer through the crack in the doors.

"Sure."

**A/N Well, that took quite a while! I can't wait to turn it in!**


	8. Epitaph

**Epitaph**

**By: Jeweltheif500, or Bandit!**

**A/N This is probably the sweetest story I've ever written. Like an alternative romance, as I uck at the sappy stuff. Believe me, I've tried. It just doesn't work. For RoseWeasley123's Zodiac Challenge.**

**Disclaimer: Well, even though this sticks to canon, I still don't own HP. Sad, huh?**

Their relationship was dramatic. Sometimes Harry took Ginny out to dinner. Sometimes, he didn't seem to care, and the two fought. But it was alright, they always made up in an hour or so.

It was loyal. Ginny never left his side, aside from Quidditch of course, and he never left hers. When the children came along, they learned to be loyal or to be ignored at a young age.

Romantic. Date Night was every night. Not the restraunt, or a movie, but maybe a special time in candlelight, talking. Possibly over dinner. They might also go and play in the pool out back one night while the kids were at Grandma Weasley's. Just like their offspring, splashing, shouting, and relaxing all night.

Sometimes they would sulk, and still be in a wonderful communion. Sulking helped them figure out what was bothering the other, and then fix it in their own way. To Harry and Ginny, sulking was a healthy experience. Therapy, even.

Their relationship was creative. Sometimes, Harry would bring Ginny to Wacky Waldo's Funworld (A very cheesy, child-attracting place with lots of arcade games), and then win all the games for her, unless they were playing together. Then she'd beat him. Ginny might bring him to Madam Puddifoots just to complain -loudly- about how sappy it was.

It was fiery, burning with a furious flame. Yet it could also be warm and welcoming. Fights usually ended with a kiss and a cocktail.

Kids were life. In fact, Harry almost always tried to spoil them, but Ginny always stopped him, saying, "Remember Malfoy, love." Ginny always assumed the Dursleys had somethig to do with it.

Harry and Ginny lived the best life anyone could have. They died together, in battle, on June Twenieth, 2030. Harry was 49 and a Senior Auror. Ginny was 48, a famous Quidditch coach. They never parted. Even in death. Harry and Ginny Potter will not be forgotten.

-James Sirius Potter, Lily Luna Edwards, and Albus Severus Potter-Ellis.

** With love,**

** Bandit**!


End file.
